abyssalbrown FIND ME HERE!!!

HELLO HELLO!

I, being pretentious, or just bored, have now an "art" journal so called abyssalbrown . Go...sign on with me there. And yeah, it might take over this one eventually in entirety. You guys know how I get every now and again.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PATRICK, that is attikafinch

I think I am changing my LJ username again. Any suggestions?

Why do I need your validation?
You've all grown American
on beers and cigarettes
I am an old woman
Tired of this
This
Relentless nostalgia
Insecurity about what I was
Not who I am
NOW
this stops
I am so far removed
from your plane of existence
Far along
Treading water, maybe
All the way
But there is land ahead
Hm. And yes
One last bit to be said
FUCK IT
and fuck this sickness
Feeling this abandonment
It was I
Who left.

If you woke up and I was in bed with you, what would be your first thought?
(Now post this in your LJ and find out what mine would be)

Oh and yes. HAPPY JOHNNY DEPP DAY!(you may also think to alternate JDD for Jeff Buckley Day!-I think it could work quite well too, if you like having options) As St. Valentine has got not to do with the romantic, lusty aspects of our being....I call for a fucking name change.

DO it diff, mates. I personally acquired a guinness flavoured chocolate cake and some home made baked potato soup from my Johnny Depp/Jeff Buckley-tine (Jonathan, as it were, and has been)

AND NOW! Fucking awe-inspiring poem time, CRINGE if you will.


Drawing dreams out from unfocused frames
The ocean is mine, defilers and WHORES
my PURITY is incomparable
The calla, the Zodiac Virgin
My color is brown
Earthly angst mine to covet
You do not comprehend the human condition
Stoner voters, vodka talkers
Hang-over honies
With lipstick smudges
Raccoon-eyed and giggling
Reality tv show starlets
Glamorous midwestern hipsters
with six inch heels
FANGS


This poem is dedicated to all the cool girlies striking a fuckin' pose in Uptown, and Downtown and just plain making everybody sick all around town.

Rock on. And if you live in the mini apple, you can and should with 89.3 THE CURRENT...delicious.

Ativan has thus far been a good friend to me. I don't feel all wierd and schwirly but yet I am connected to the good and totally disconnected to extraneous bull shit (ie that which has always made everyday living a bit painful). News to the world! I do not give a fuck for your petty angst and anxiety creating melodrama!

Folks, I have been on a pharmaceutical odyssey of sorts.

Lexapro.Serzone.Cymbalta. NO NO NO (like i need anti depressants. like a bloody hole in the head, i need those great anxiety-activators)
Neurontin. UH?
Ativan.Seroquel. YES! and why not.

I've no desire to pop these newly gained bennys, as what I should take is all I need. Peace.
Thank the man for that one.

Sleeeeepy sleep sleep time. Although I fancied writing a Sandman fan fic story with one of the endless as my backdrop. Or even! To do my own rendering (paint) of one of them.

Another night. I was just reading Endless Nights, though. Put me in the mood.

So Like...I have been so without a computer. And of course, in theory I could have been posting from Jonathan's comp., but I am overworked and lazy. And medicated.

Moving into a new apartment (duplex) in Bryn Mawr on Friday. Fucking thankful to be away from my psycho-tastic roommate.

Meeting with admissions rep at St. Cate's tomorrow. Excitement. And also meeting with the med lady to discuss stopping the shite I am on and perhaps taking ativan or valium or some such thing.

I am going to fucking slaughter my "punk rock" co-worked. She needs to take a fucking shower.

Happy times with Jonny-boy, though.

Hello, hello to all my Live Journal friends. It's been a while, eh?

I got myself up today, smoked too much (and fucksakes I was doing so good yesterday!) and went to talk with Sola's Uptown manager, who wants me to work there again a bit every week.

Exciting. Weird Caribou Mike was about. Kid has a thing for me, but really I think he's a homosexual. Not that it really matters anyway. I've got my Jonathan and I'm more than content with that. Other blokes just irritate me.

I finally went in Cheapo today, and Wurm asked me how Jon was. I think he was surprised and disappointed I've still got a boyfriend. I bought new copies of YYY's Fever to Tell and Pearl Jam's VS.

When I got home I had the rest of my manicotti from dinner last night.The night in question Jon and I ate an appetizer, two baskets of bread, soup, salad, some of our meal, and chocolate cake. The waiter looked confused. (We're both pretty thin).

I then cleaned my room. Woo. Fucking dog hair and dust, mates.

Now...now...I am going to play THESIMS2! and afterwards get dressed proper-like.

Have a few guinness with Downie and Liam, perhaps.

I got THE SIMS 2 as well, on Saturday. My brains are as good as cooked.

Oh the fun.

Revert back to child-hood
The bench-sitting would be motivational speaker said
Just a hint of irony
Satire
Does he believe himself?
Hollering at women in ruffled mini-skirts
Dreaming of postal service automobiles
And idly fantasizing about forty dollars an hour
For words and isms and quotes and nonsense
This guy can't be serious
His fancying me, with my sardonic half smile
I question you all
To not take the bullshit
To not full yourself into thinking
Words are enough
Ideas enough,
But no not enough
I removed myself graciously from his bench
And went about my day

I am off to a pic-a-nic with my sweetie. La di da.

Read a newer poem! Or not...depending on personal preference

You are the muse I was seeking
not of angst
and fevers of 103 degrees
no! you are my exaltation
a summer in a golden church!
at last-
unrepentant joy of star spun skies
luminous days of lazing about
nude, uncomplicated
random romanticized scenery
picturesque, no! hallmark greeting cards
but with subtleties
more substance than style
we are amorous and young
happy and almost wholly holy
(maybe not so holy)
but yes, wholly in love
this is a victory march
this time,
a hallelujah without a tremble
or a shake-
no emotive sigh.

Had a good birthday.
Jon and I watched Batman Returns (with the REAL catwoman, not Halle Berry's bullshit).
A good time was had by me.

I got a job today, at Marshall Field's. Selling Men's Designer clothing. Some Calvin, Michael Kors and shite.

Good for me.

Today marks my 19th year crawling around on the planet earth.

Last night I saw Hero. It was aesthetically very pleasing to me. That's about it, though.

Today, I shall breakfast with Downie, if she fucking wakes up any time soon.
And then like...probably eat pizza with my baby and watch movies.

Exxxxxciting!

You'll have that.

Aunt Jeanie and Gary bought me a brand new stereo, of which I was pleasantly surprised. They walked in the house singing "happy birthday" very loudly, with chocolate cake and the stereo for me.

Jon was on the phone at the time. I think this amused him.

Going to the Minnesota State Fair today, for my birthday (sunday). I shall ride me some rides and stuff like that.

Just wanted to say HI! to everyone and all that rot. I'm horrible at keeping up.

xo.

Meeting Jon's parents. Tonight. For first time. Going to spend all weekend with my love and his family. *fear and excitement*

MY 19TH BIRTHDAY IS IN 16 DAYS!

*grumbles* fucking worthless age.

I had this dream where my brother and I were both in a coma for six years (I can't remember why). When I awoke I was pissed that my leg muscles were atrophied (because fuckall, they aren't bad) and all I wanted was a cup of coffee and a cigarette. So I lit up (wow! And isn't it nice of the care home to always have fresh cigarettes by my bedside?) and limped into the lobby, where there happened to be a fucking STARBUCKS.

That was a wierd dream, friends.

Category IV - The
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Guess who saw SONIC YOUTH at the Quest last night? Yes. Myself. Kim Gordon is a foxxxy baby, and Thurston was as amazing as one would expect. I want to do a full review of the show, believe me babies. And I will. I'm thinking of doing what sidewalk_ashes did, get myself an art critique LJ. I have been fancying I might go to school for journalism/music theory double major...as I think I would be a damned fine music critic/rock journalist. Maybe, Maffy, we ought to put something together. A site where we can go all out and review cds old and new, as well as shows. Blah blah...I'm being random. More on that later...


Modest Mouse played First Ave. last night. Would've been all about that too, but I can't say I regret Sonic Youth. The crowd was probably a lot better than MM's.

JON BAKED ME A FUCKING HUGE, DELICIOUS, CHOCOLATE ICED YELLOW CAKE YESTERDAY!

loves loves loves you all.

I have been having the most emotionally off-kilter week I've experienced in a long time. And the poor lad is having to deal with that.

I'm fucking sick of sabatoging myself, and I will myself not to do that shite anymore.

Still. I am inclined to think it is the fucking birth control. I'll take the cramps! Is why I'm on it...to maketh the menstrual pain dissipate. But fuck this! My horomones are turning me into a fucking nightmare.

Friends...I need balance. And to make this all up to Jon, somehow. I totally suck. Maybe I shouldn't see him for a few days. I'm not going to this evening, as is.


This is the part where I need to feel like God is with me. And sometimes it's difficult.

The \\
Last Cigarette:	A Half hour ago
Last Alcoholic Drink:	Saturday-A Guinness
Last Car Ride:	Last night with Jon
Last Kiss:	Jon. Smooches galore.
Last Good Cry:	Yesterday.
Last Library Book:	I believe it was the entire Chronicles of Narnia (re-read)
Last book bought:	American Gods-Neil Gaiman
Last Book Read:	Maus (a "comic") about the Holocaust
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:	Fahrenheit 9/11...or was it...er...I see a lot of movies.
Last Movie Rented:	Evil Dead!
Last Cuss Word Uttered:	Fuck
Last Beverage Drank:	I am drinking Almond Boba Tea
Last Food Consumed:	Instant mashed potatoes with tons of butter
Last Crush:	Jon.
Last Phone Call:	Hmm...Jon.
Last TV Show Watched:	I Love the 90s
Last Time Showered:	Just now...well bathed, actually.
Last Shoes Worn:	Khaki coloured GAP flip-flops
Last CD Played:	Modest Mouse-The Moon and Antarctica
Last Item Bought:	Shea Lip Butter-The Body Shop
Last Download:	A few days ago...hmm...I forget what I got.
Last Annoyance:	Hotmail was being all fucked.
Last Disappointment:	There are many.
Last Soda Drank:	Root Beer
Last Thing Written:	A card for Jon about an hour ago
Last Key Used:	The one to my house
Last Words Spoken:	"La La La La La"
Last Sleep:	Last night. In my bed. Yes.
Last Ice Cream Eaten:	Er...Butter Pecan from Ben and Jerry's, maybe.
Last Chair Sat In:	My ass is in a chair right now. Office chair.
Last Webpage Visited:	Livejournal.com
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